I’ve been strong all this time. I’ve been a fighter almost all my life. I’ve been told that without putting a fight I wouldn’t get a reward. I’ve been taught that I should follow my dreams wherever I go, as hard as they are, with the small fraction of time I had left. I’ve been chasing them since that, since I was born. Since my parents decided what character they would build on me. They made my mind strong; they taught me to be careful about my decisions, not to trust everyone and to treat the rest like I would like to be treated. But with the years I forgot about many of their advices. I became selfish, rude and arrogant. I became all I ever hated. All I ever tried to avoid. I started to realize how big my ego was. How I thought I was perfect no matter what. I thought I can do this, who said I won’t? And from then on my hopes and expectations began to grow, to get taller and deeper. I started to tease on people without even realizing that.
Next to this I had a change of opinion and my parents were quite interested on it. But I didn’t want to talk about it. I had been talking about my dream career for about two years now and to change my mind suddenly wasn’t something good for me. I had done it before, this time I decided to shut my mouth, to keep it for me. And chase my dreams. I felt unstoppable, like if I was able to do it all in a minute. I started thinking; here is not where I belong. I’m supposed to be up there, with the great ones. Living high on the top, in New York, that was my biggest dream now. And I wouldn’t stop till I get there. But once again I went to high and felt too deep. I became to treat the people around me just like if they were nothing. Like if I was better that them. My arrogance ate me. I was an annoying girl with an excuse for being that way, such a bitch. My mood started to change; I wasn’t feeling like being around of ‘normal’ people anymore. I became jealous; a horrible envy grew on me. I felt ashamed of how I felt. My friends were going places, starting to be better at something. They started to be good photographers, to travel to all those places that I always wanted to go, to buy beautiful clothes, to get prettier, taller and smarter. I felt lost, I went from being ‘Wow, that girl!’ to being ‘Oh… That girl?’ My classmates never treated me like I thought I should be treated. I started to feel horrible, to feel like if I had been wrong the entire time. They said horrible things to me and treated me like if I was bullshit, I deserved it. Completely. I went from being proud of myself to being ashamed. I broke down.
My mom got really upset one day because of something I said, and that’s when I realized the monster I had become. I felt horrible; I had a breakdown and didn’t felt like keep walking, keep breathing or be who I was anymore. I just wanted to sleep all day long.
I started to feel bad by being around my best friend. She is always surrounded by people, especially boys. She’s really outgoing, she’s not afraid to start a conversation with someone she likes or doesn’t know. I felt sad about it. How being around her showed me how no one really thought I was special or pretty. I had to be like her for people to like me? I was sad and confuse, devastated about who I was. She was popular, I was, me.
But then, things got into place. I still felt like shit, but I focus on being the best me I could. I kept going to my piano lessons, I started tennis lessons. I started to learn French, to read even more. I listened to all the music I always said I’d listen to later. I kept writing, drawing, taking pictures and laughing. Laughing a lot. I started to do yoga at my place and decided to go on a diet. I started to go to the psychologist and to improve my English even more. I decided to go on a short exchange which my sister did two years ago (This was anyway before the break down, but I put all my energies on it afterwards). I was going to Europe no matter where, I would touch it and come back with a, surely, open mind. I wasn’t entirely happy, but I was glad.
I develop a system to get organize; I started to wake up early to have breakfast every morning before going to school. The change was moving forward. I had an idea then, I put on my wall with post its every day a world that describes it. That made me feel like that word would make me go back to that day. And finally I opened this blog. It’s being helping me a lot to let go. Especially because no one I know will read it and by not giving names they’ll never find it. Hope so anyway.
Love and kisses and remember you don’t need to think you’re perfect. You just need to think you are more than ok and that someone out there is just made for you. No matter whom he is. And I’d love to hear from you if you had a similar issue or if you want to share it with someone. Remember I’m always here for all those who need an ear, someone to listen. And I love to hear you out. So speak out. I’m here.
